Wolverine

When I first met her, she was very quiet. A shy smile covered her pale face. She looked like a pearl. I met her twenty days before the expected "End of the world". For her, the world had ended long before. Her name reminded me of a flower in a very green garden. She just sat there, listening to the stories of other strangers, who had gathered to share their knowledge. Knowledge about how it feels when your own body attacks you. When cells inside your body become your worst enemies. When there is evil living inside your brain, your kidney, your lungs...

I used to watch a TV-show, where the main character, the coolest Doctor ever used to say: It's not Lupus. I always found it funny, because it never was Lupus in eight seasons of the show. When I got my diagnosis, the neurologist started saying: It's not Lupus! (I smiled, I knew it never was Lupus...) But I had the impression, I should be very glad, even though I had no idea what this meant. 

But sometimes it is Lupus. The flower-named-lady who reminds me of a pearl has Lupus. And after talking to her, I felt I'd met a hero. She smiles while in constant pain! She speaks of love and hope, while waiting to die. She shows pictures of her beautiful children. The little boy, whom she had to let go because she can't take care of him anymore. She's got a gentle wit in the corner of her eyes. As if she was saying: just wait and see! I'm gonna be fine. She fights for her life. I met Wolverine. The Lupus-Lady.  A hero. 

Be Kind

we are always asked

to understand the other person's

viewpoint

no matter how

out-dated

foolish or

obnoxious.

one is asked

to view

their total error

their life-waste

with

kindliness,

especially if they are

aged.

but age is the total of

our doing.

they have aged

badly

because they have

lived

out of focus,

they have refused to

see.

not their fault?

whose fault?

mine?

I am asked to hide

my viewpoint

from them

for fear of their

fear.

age is no crime

but the shame

of a deliberately

wasted

life

among so many

deliberately

wasted

lives

is.

C. Bukowski

Where am I?

And in the end

we travel the world

to find ourselves.

Fear

I'm not afraid of diseases

or death. 

I'm not afraid of pain

or any kind of suffering.

I am afraid of Bitterness.

Once she got you

once she's entered your heart

and poisoned every cell of your fragile human body

once Bitterness got you

your soul is more than lost.

I've seen it happen.

I've seen jolly people turning dark,

getting cynical eyes

and sharp tongues

forming ice cold words

cutting people's throats just by looking at them.

Hugging you 

as if they wanted you dead,

looking at you

as if their unhappiness was your fault.

I've seen Bitterness gobble people up alive.

That's the only thing I'm afraid of.

Bitterness.

Stillstand

Like living in a huge bubble

time stands still. 

The days between Christmas and New Year's Eve

seem to be off the calendar.

And anxiously we count the hours

for the end to come

and a new year to begin

just to break all our promises

and do exactly the same again. 

Aging

You know that you're old

when nothing can surprise you anymore.

Raindrops

Sitting in the rain

feeling heavy raindrops on my shoulders

water soaking my hair

rain splashing on the sidewalk.

Sitting in the rain

feeling my pain ease

water washing my hurt soul

rain splashing on my wounds.

Waiting

for better

or for worse.

Shrink

Sometimes I picture my shrink 

punching you in your face and laughing. 

Of course he would never do that, 

he likes to keep his hands clean.

Clown

I used to be a stupid clown.

Believing in you, trusting and caring.

You were evil all the way we've walked together.

And it was a long way.

But one day even I did

see you for real.

Once I had opened my eyes,

and seen your dark soul

your rotten thoughts

your stone heart

your sadistic mind

and your lack of any decent feeling,

once I had realised all of this,

I've never been able to give you a real smile.

I've never been able to listen to you anymore.

I've never been able to care about you anymore.

I just feel pity for you.

And happy for finally seeing.

 I used to be a stupid clown.

No I'm an evil one.

What's better?

Master of Puppets

She is the master of puppets.

Everyone around her is controlled by strings,

she pushes and pulls and makes them dance. 

She loves her puppets and cares so much about them!

Every little movement is planned and claimed to be good natured. 

It's for their best! She knows so much better.

One puppet though, started to hate those strings.

This little puppet wanted to decide where to go

and what to do. It was sick of being pushed around.

One day she arrived and the puppet had cut its strings and run away.

How dare the puppet! It'll never know what to do!

It'll be confused. Lost. Uncontrolled! How dare it?

The puppet went to a land far away and started all over.

It learned that being pulled was easier than actually taking decisions.

It was hard in the beginning, but day after day the little puppet learned to follow its own will.

The other puppets kept on wondering why it had run away. How could this one live without the strings? Dancing and moving as the master of puppets pulled the strings, they started to hate the runaway puppet. And even though the runaway puppet was free, it still felt the strings pulling. 

No matter how far it went, it felt the strings. 

There was no escape.

Christmess

Running running running

buying buying buying gifts.

Calling calling calling

writing writing writing cards.

Smiling smiling smiling

chasing chasing chasing time.

Do things we haven't done the whole year

speak to people we haven't spoken to for months

plan to meet and greet everyone on these last couple of days.

Listening to never ending Christmas songs in the radio

getting romantic while choosing a pair of shoes

donating for any charity to feel like a good person.

While the advertisements brainwash us

and the parking lots are crowded

and we run around sweating

trying to fulfill our duties

decorating our houses with a fake tree.

Running running running

buying buying buying gifts.

Calling calling calling

writing writing writing cards.

Smiling smiling smiling

chasing chasing chasing time.

What a Christmess. 

  

Happy Misery

The day people decided they must be happy

they signed their misery sentence.  

Bitter illusion

chasing them endlessly.

Sweet misery.

Half-Conscious

There are those moments of melancholy

where you lie in bed and are not awake yet

but you're not really sleeping.

You hear sounds from outside

people mumbling, birds chirping, cars passing.

You are in a half-conscious state of mind,

thinking of waking up for real

or going back to sleep.

There are those moments of melancholy

where you don't know if it's worth standing up

or if you'd better stay where you are.

If you stay in bed, you'll never know. 

Buchstabensalat

Sie verfolgen mich

schwirren durch meine Gedanken

springen aus der Zeitung heraus und laufen über meinen Schreibtisch.

Sie wohnen in Büchern,

zu Tausenden aneinandergereiht!

Sie krabbeln aus den Lautsprechern

und fliegen durch die Wohnung.

Sie leben im Fernseher drin

und machen Lärm

viel unnötigen Lärm.

Sie krallen sich an meine Ohren und 

an meine Augen,

manchmal kann ich sie sogar riechen!

Schmecken tun sie. Bitter. 

Nach Tinte

und Papier.  

Sie glitzern und leuchten

sind kursiv oder fett oder gleich beides.

Oft sind sie so wichtig! So wichtig! So verdammt wichtig!

Und noch öfter so unnötig. So unnötig! So verdammt unnötig!

Buchstabensalat. 

Wortsalat. 

Gedankensalat. 

Sinnsalat. 

Salat. 

Tor

Da steh ich nun

ich armer Tor

und bin noch dümmer 

als zuvor.

Mein Wille Geschehe

Ich mag dich.

Nicht.

Ich liebe dich.

Nicht.

Ich will dich.

Geisterlos

Zeitlose Zeitreise der Zeitgeister,

die die Zeit verloren haben

und ihr Ziel nicht kennen.

Ziellose Geisterreisen der Zeit. 

Will Be

We were

what you are

we are

what you will be.

Wallman

Here you are

after years hiding behind a wall

facing places and people

you've never seen before.

Here you are

standing in the rain

feeling helpless and threatened

by all the choices you got.

Here you stand

being blunt and aggressive 

hurting and disappointing everyone

for no reason at all.

Here you stand

looking around timidly

wondering what to do

feeling completely lost.

Here you are

hiding your fear

behind a thick wall of arrogance

pretending you're fine. 

Alone With Everybody

the flesh covers the bone 

and they put a mind 

in there and 

sometimes a soul, 

and the women break 

vases against the walls 

and the men drink too 

much 

and nobody finds the 

one 

but keep 

looking 

crawling in and out 

of beds. 

flesh covers 

the bone and the 

flesh searches 

for more than 

flesh. 

there's no chance 

at all: 

we are all trapped 

by a singular 

fate. 

nobody ever finds 

the one. 

the city dumps fill 

the junkyards fill 

the madhouses fill 

the hospitals fill 

the graveyards fill 

nothing else 

fills. 

C. Bukowski

Wherever

And you know what? 

Wherever you are: remember that I am not thinking about you!

Nothing Else

Freedom to believe 

in whatever you believe.

Freedom to go 

wherever you want to go.

Freedom to speak out loud.

Freedom to love whom you love.

Freedom to work

and study

and decide what to do with your life.

Freedom.

Nothing else matters.

Actually

Where people see darkness,

I see colours.

When people think

 I gave up,

I'm actually

 just beginning.

Warm Feet

I want to walk on warm sand

timeless

purposeless

happiness.

Driftwood

I want to jump in 

and drift away. 

No Chance

You try so hard to do it differently

and in the end

life is a never ending repetition

of rights and wrongs. 

Hug

The same hug that comforts you

might prevent you from leaving.

Warm-Water-People

Warm-water-people are those, 

who do not have any opinion on any subject.

Those who do not like anything or dislike anything.

Those who have no story to tell

and are not even good at listening.

Those who taste like warm water,

useless, tasteless, purposeless.

Hot water is great for tea

cold water great against the thirst.

What the hell should I do with warm water? 

It's too warm to refresh and 

too cold to brew anything.

So, if you are a living creature

and you do not have any opinion,

if there isn't anything you enjoy doing,

or anything you hate doing,

if there is just nothing that would make you a real person:

please stay away from me!

If you get too close:

either I'll throw you in the oven to heat up,

or I'll throw you in the fridge to cool down.

Warm-water-people are just useless.

Where the Sidewalk Ends

There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.

 by Shel Silverstein

Surprise!

So everything comes to an end

and the more you once have loved

the more you hate afterwards

and you wish for things

you had never ever imagined before.

So do not tell me

you'd never ever...

it'll always be so much different!

Just sit and wait

and do not act surprised.

Guarani Kaiowa

We read about them in history books.
Read about invasions and killings.
About tribes fighting for survival.
But we do not realise this fight is still on.
It's been happening for  500 years now,
every day with newer weapons.
And somehow they still live
and somehow they still fight
and somehow they still hope.
And somehow most of us don't even have a clue.
How come?

Holy

You tell me not to do it

but you've done it!

You tell me not to say it

but you've said it!

And you keep on judging me

and pointing your finger at me

telling me exactly the opposite 

of what you've done.

And you keep on wondering

why I don't obey.

And I keep on wondering

how hypocritical one can be.

Messengers

Sinner

Look at her.

She is made of sin. 

Her eyes are a constant invitation

to taste her, dark and deep.
Her dark curly hair framing
her dangerous face.

Moving smoothly like a snake

she is prepared to get you

and devour you.

Licking her shiny red lips. 

Her body surrounding you.

Slowly coming closer

whispering in your ear

things you love to hear.

Watery lust.

There is no escape.

Lay down.

Let her have you.

Look at her.

She is made of sin.

You are the sinner.

Selfishness

Recklessness
I wish you

necklessness.

Time Machine

It's his 60iest birthday party:

he's got less hair and more wrinkles.

Less strength and more fatigue.

But then the DJ turns the music on!

And it's like a journey to the past.

Shaking to the sound of Led Zeppelin

his body gets younger with every song. 

In the end he shakes his hair

and jumps up and down

laughs and hugs and sings as if he was 18 again.

As if there was no tomorrow.

Maybe there isn't.

Clueless

Clueless looking in the mirror,

with endless questions

whirring inside my head.

Which one is right?

What's the best?

What if?

Searching for answers,

and the more I search, the less I know

and the less I know, the more I search.

Clueless running in circles

trying to decide

what's less bad.

Because bad it is already.

Again

And suddenly you look at him:

 who's been by your side for half of your life.

The one who has held you when you were falling,

kissed your cheeks when you were crying,

listened to your screams when you were angry.

The one who has fought for you

against others

and against yourself.

And suddenly you look at him:

and fall in love again.

No Need

No, thank you. I'm happy being sad.

Colours

Sitting here again

watching the news 

telling me old stories

in colourful shadows

showing over and over again

that old people die

and new ones are born

doing exactly the same

in different colours.

Same Shit

You go and see the world

you meet people

and take pictures.

You go and see the world

and realise

it's the same everywhere.

Birdfeelings

Pillow Talk

I love sleep. 

My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know? 

Ernest Hemingway 

Openings

Back

They ask me where I've been,

And what I've done and seen.

But what can I reply

Who know it wasn't I,

But someone just like me,

Who went across the sea

And with my head and hands

Killed men in foreign lands...

Though I must bear the blame,

Because he bore my name. 

Wilfred Gibson 

And things just never change.

Über den Wolken...

muss die Freiheit wohl grenzenlos sein.

Alle Ängste alle Sorgen,

sagt man,

scheinen nichtig und klein.

Wisdom

We were,

 what you are

we are,

 what you will be.

Light

Under sunlight

everything gets lighter.

As if your worries could melt away

and the warm sun touching your skin

told you things will be fine.

Well

I feel sorry for you who live up there

in countries full of shopping malls and grey houses,

your streets are as sterile as your hearts.  

The darkness of your winters has eaten your soul

and there is no sunlight in your rare smile.

You are rich and drive colourful expensive cars

while your trees got no flowers

and your birds are mute.

You've learned your traditions on a TV show

and worry about the colour of your nail polish.

Your credit cards do not hug you

and your feet have never danced for real.

You pity us,

calling us

third world.

I feel sorry for you.

Attempt

It's like trying to dry an ice cube.

Sense

Vainless Sense

Senseless Vain

Vain in Sense

No Sense in Vain

Things in Vain

No Sense.

Nonsense.

No, sense.