Doughnuts

And then it goes like this:

Congratulations! You're pregnant! 

You kind of really feel happy. But then it goes on:

So, starting today you should NOT:

-drink alcohol.

- drink tea

- drink soft drinks

- use sweetener

- eat raw food (ham, sushi, rare steaks)

- eat any salad in restaurants

- smoke

- dye your hair (why the hell??)

- use any kind of medication without talking to me

-You should try to get 8 hours sleep at night and exercise regularly. But nothing dangerous!  

You smile and go home thinking: 9 months? really??

The lack of coffee gives you headaches. You can't sleep right, because you got to pee 3 times a night. Your hair looks awful. It has now two colours and you already feel like a cranky witch, which makes you extremely sensitive and whiny. Any strong smell gives you nausea. It feels like there is a drunken ship in your stomach. 

You're immune system is low, so you get everything: weird infections in horrible places, annoying colds and other unexpected stuff like: haemmorhoids! I mean, nobody fucking told you, that even your arsehole would suffer! How unfair is that? You can't even sit right, because it feels like there is a burning doughnut stuck in your arse. 

 It's New Year's Eve and your friends are bathing in Freixenet, while you hold your glass full of apple juice and reflect on the bullshit people tell you about pregnancy. 

You start getting fat and your pants won't fit you anymore. Due to the lack of sleep you got dark circles around the eyes. Constant visits to different doctors screw with your time schedule. People treat you as if you weren't a person. You're reduced to a womb that carries wonderful new life in it. They don't look you in the eyes anymore, their attention and even their hands go directly to you belly! (Fuck off! Don't touch!) 

Stretch marks make you feel like a zebra and you wish you could have ordered your baby online.  

And you google about pregnancy and see those pictures of women, that look like angels, stroking happily their round bellies (of course without any sign of stretch marks!). Wonderful shiny one-coloured hair surrounds their delighted faces. They are sitting on a sofa (how the hell can they actually sit??) and smile, while holding little baby clothes in their perfectly manicured hands. 

So you start wondering: Is something wrong with you? Are you evil? Will your baby hate you? Don't you have those "mother instincts" people keep on babbling about? Or is this whole "Disney version" pregnancy a huge lie and those women sitting on the sofa also feel the doughnut stuck in their arse? The stretch marks were photo shopped and their hair is actually a wig? 

Maybe you'll never know. But when your baby is born, you'll certainly feel: 

It's worth it!