Juliane, or: The day I woke up too early

I was sitting in a train going somewhere. When the train arrived I stood up and walked to the door to get out. It was a very normal situation, like going to work every day.  Before I reached the door, there was a little bed instead of the regular seats, on the left side of the corridor. Inside this bed lay a little girl with long hair and a perfectly combed fringe. Her name was Juliane and I remembered her from my artistic gymnastics classes. Juliane and I used to have the same coach, but she was so much better than me. Why was she lying in a bed inside the waggon?
The other passengers just kept on leaving the waggon (as if there was nothing to wonder about a bed inside a train with a little girl in it) but I halted to speak to Juliane. She was covered with a white blanket and her mother was sitting next to her. Somehow Juliane looked so much younger than I remembered. Her mom told me Juliane was sick and they were heading to a special clinic to release her from her disease. Juliane was so tiny and pale. (She had always been tiny and the others had made fun of her calling her dwarf lady.) 


Her huge eyes looked at me with the fear of a scared baby and disheartenment of someone who had already seen enough. She seemed to shrink while I was looking at her. Juliane and her mom had to get out, she crawled onto me and I held her tight in my arms. She was as light as a feather, as if she could be carried away by the slightest breeze at any moment. We left the waggon and started to walk to the exit of the train station, that seemed to be huge and kind of empty. I don't know why, but I just went with them, holding the scared little girl in my arms. During my conversation with her mom I found out that Juliane wouldn't get treatment to get better. Her disease had no cure. Releasing meant she would get an injection and her short life would find an end. She was only eight years old. I didn't know people did something like that. Juliane seemed pale, but perfectly ok. She asked me: What will happen to me, once I am dead? I could not believe that this sweet little girl should be erased from this planet. I looked at the large clock hanging in the middle of the train station. 2pm. One shot and she would never ever wake up anymore. Like pressing a delete button. In a couple of hours this little girl, who was hugging me, would not exist anymore. And her mom seemed to be sad, but so apathetic. What kind of mother took her child to be killed? Who was the heartless monster who'd inject deadly venom in these tiny blueish veins of hers?  I answered Juliane about heaven and God and energy and how cool it was to be up there. Tears covered her delicate face. She didn't believe anything I said. Neither did I. 


We were getting to the exit. Everything was so wrong! So unjust! This child should be taken home and taken care of. She hadn't done anything wrong. Why the hell did people believe, that "ending the suffering" was a good thing to do? Who had the right to decide who lived and who died? Who sold the venom? Who scheduled the time of her death? Who said it was better this way? I was angry and confused and started to look around. I had to do something! I could taste the salt in Juliane's  bitter crystal tears as I was holding her. Her mom was apathetically following me as if she were delivering a package to the post office. What should I do? Think! Think! There has to be a way out of this! Stop this cruel plan! 

A dog barked.

A dog? I can't see the dog.

What?

I wake up.

No! She’s still there! She’ll die if I don’t take her!

I press my eyes together fiercely. I need to get back to the train station! I need to take Juliane with me. She was in my arms! She doesn’t want to die! 

I can't. I can't go back. It's too late. The dog woke me up.

She’s lost.

I am here. 
She’s there. 

Her mom is taking her to the clinic. 
I still taste the salt of her bitter crystal tears.