Wolverine

When I first met her, she was very quiet. A shy smile covered her pale face. She looked like a pearl. I met her twenty days before the expected "End of the world". For her, the world had ended long before. Her name reminded me of a flower in a very green garden. She just sat there, listening to the stories of other strangers, who had gathered to share their knowledge. Knowledge about how it feels when your own body attacks you. When cells inside your body become your worst enemies. When there is evil living inside your brain, your kidney, your lungs...

I used to watch a TV-show, where the main character, the coolest Doctor ever used to say: It's not Lupus. I always found it funny, because it never was Lupus in eight seasons of the show. When I got my diagnosis, the neurologist started saying: It's not Lupus! (I smiled, I knew it never was Lupus...) But I had the impression, I should be very glad, even though I had no idea what this meant. 

But sometimes it is Lupus. The flower-named-lady who reminds me of a pearl has Lupus. And after talking to her, I felt I'd met a hero. She smiles while in constant pain! She speaks of love and hope, while waiting to die. She shows pictures of her beautiful children. The little boy, whom she had to let go because she can't take care of him anymore. She's got a gentle wit in the corner of her eyes. As if she was saying: just wait and see! I'm gonna be fine. She fights for her life. I met Wolverine. The Lupus-Lady.  A hero. 

Be Kind

we are always asked

to understand the other person's

viewpoint

no matter how

out-dated

foolish or

obnoxious.

one is asked

to view

their total error

their life-waste

with

kindliness,

especially if they are

aged.

but age is the total of

our doing.

they have aged

badly

because they have

lived

out of focus,

they have refused to

see.

not their fault?

whose fault?

mine?

I am asked to hide

my viewpoint

from them

for fear of their

fear.

age is no crime

but the shame

of a deliberately

wasted

life

among so many

deliberately

wasted

lives

is.

C. Bukowski

Where am I?

And in the end

we travel the world

to find ourselves.

Fear

I'm not afraid of diseases

or death. 

I'm not afraid of pain

or any kind of suffering.

I am afraid of Bitterness.

Once she got you

once she's entered your heart

and poisoned every cell of your fragile human body

once Bitterness got you

your soul is more than lost.

I've seen it happen.

I've seen jolly people turning dark,

getting cynical eyes

and sharp tongues

forming ice cold words

cutting people's throats just by looking at them.

Hugging you 

as if they wanted you dead,

looking at you

as if their unhappiness was your fault.

I've seen Bitterness gobble people up alive.

That's the only thing I'm afraid of.

Bitterness.

Stillstand

Like living in a huge bubble

time stands still. 

The days between Christmas and New Year's Eve

seem to be off the calendar.

And anxiously we count the hours

for the end to come

and a new year to begin

just to break all our promises

and do exactly the same again. 

Aging

You know that you're old

when nothing can surprise you anymore.

Raindrops

Sitting in the rain

feeling heavy raindrops on my shoulders

water soaking my hair

rain splashing on the sidewalk.

Sitting in the rain

feeling my pain ease

water washing my hurt soul

rain splashing on my wounds.

Waiting

for better

or for worse.

Shrink

Sometimes I picture my shrink 

punching you in your face and laughing. 

Of course he would never do that, 

he likes to keep his hands clean.

Clown

I used to be a stupid clown.

Believing in you, trusting and caring.

You were evil all the way we've walked together.

And it was a long way.

But one day even I did

see you for real.

Once I had opened my eyes,

and seen your dark soul

your rotten thoughts

your stone heart

your sadistic mind

and your lack of any decent feeling,

once I had realised all of this,

I've never been able to give you a real smile.

I've never been able to listen to you anymore.

I've never been able to care about you anymore.

I just feel pity for you.

And happy for finally seeing.

 I used to be a stupid clown.

No I'm an evil one.

What's better?

Master of Puppets

She is the master of puppets.

Everyone around her is controlled by strings,

she pushes and pulls and makes them dance. 

She loves her puppets and cares so much about them!

Every little movement is planned and claimed to be good natured. 

It's for their best! She knows so much better.

One puppet though, started to hate those strings.

This little puppet wanted to decide where to go

and what to do. It was sick of being pushed around.

One day she arrived and the puppet had cut its strings and run away.

How dare the puppet! It'll never know what to do!

It'll be confused. Lost. Uncontrolled! How dare it?

The puppet went to a land far away and started all over.

It learned that being pulled was easier than actually taking decisions.

It was hard in the beginning, but day after day the little puppet learned to follow its own will.

The other puppets kept on wondering why it had run away. How could this one live without the strings? Dancing and moving as the master of puppets pulled the strings, they started to hate the runaway puppet. And even though the runaway puppet was free, it still felt the strings pulling. 

No matter how far it went, it felt the strings. 

There was no escape.

Christmess

Running running running

buying buying buying gifts.

Calling calling calling

writing writing writing cards.

Smiling smiling smiling

chasing chasing chasing time.

Do things we haven't done the whole year

speak to people we haven't spoken to for months

plan to meet and greet everyone on these last couple of days.

Listening to never ending Christmas songs in the radio

getting romantic while choosing a pair of shoes

donating for any charity to feel like a good person.

While the advertisements brainwash us

and the parking lots are crowded

and we run around sweating

trying to fulfill our duties

decorating our houses with a fake tree.

Running running running

buying buying buying gifts.

Calling calling calling

writing writing writing cards.

Smiling smiling smiling

chasing chasing chasing time.

What a Christmess. 

  

Happy Misery

The day people decided they must be happy

they signed their misery sentence.  

Bitter illusion

chasing them endlessly.

Sweet misery.

Half-Conscious

There are those moments of melancholy

where you lie in bed and are not awake yet

but you're not really sleeping.

You hear sounds from outside

people mumbling, birds chirping, cars passing.

You are in a half-conscious state of mind,

thinking of waking up for real

or going back to sleep.

There are those moments of melancholy

where you don't know if it's worth standing up

or if you'd better stay where you are.

If you stay in bed, you'll never know. 

Buchstabensalat

Sie verfolgen mich

schwirren durch meine Gedanken

springen aus der Zeitung heraus und laufen über meinen Schreibtisch.

Sie wohnen in Büchern,

zu Tausenden aneinandergereiht!

Sie krabbeln aus den Lautsprechern

und fliegen durch die Wohnung.

Sie leben im Fernseher drin

und machen Lärm

viel unnötigen Lärm.

Sie krallen sich an meine Ohren und 

an meine Augen,

manchmal kann ich sie sogar riechen!

Schmecken tun sie. Bitter. 

Nach Tinte

und Papier.  

Sie glitzern und leuchten

sind kursiv oder fett oder gleich beides.

Oft sind sie so wichtig! So wichtig! So verdammt wichtig!

Und noch öfter so unnötig. So unnötig! So verdammt unnötig!

Buchstabensalat. 

Wortsalat. 

Gedankensalat. 

Sinnsalat. 

Salat. 

Tor

Da steh ich nun

ich armer Tor

und bin noch dümmer 

als zuvor.

Mein Wille Geschehe

Ich mag dich.

Nicht.

Ich liebe dich.

Nicht.

Ich will dich.

Geisterlos

Zeitlose Zeitreise der Zeitgeister,

die die Zeit verloren haben

und ihr Ziel nicht kennen.

Ziellose Geisterreisen der Zeit. 

Will Be

We were

what you are

we are

what you will be.

Wallman

Here you are

after years hiding behind a wall

facing places and people

you've never seen before.

Here you are

standing in the rain

feeling helpless and threatened

by all the choices you got.

Here you stand

being blunt and aggressive 

hurting and disappointing everyone

for no reason at all.

Here you stand

looking around timidly

wondering what to do

feeling completely lost.

Here you are

hiding your fear

behind a thick wall of arrogance

pretending you're fine. 

Alone With Everybody

the flesh covers the bone 

and they put a mind 

in there and 

sometimes a soul, 

and the women break 

vases against the walls 

and the men drink too 

much 

and nobody finds the 

one 

but keep 

looking 

crawling in and out 

of beds. 

flesh covers 

the bone and the 

flesh searches 

for more than 

flesh. 

there's no chance 

at all: 

we are all trapped 

by a singular 

fate. 

nobody ever finds 

the one. 

the city dumps fill 

the junkyards fill 

the madhouses fill 

the hospitals fill 

the graveyards fill 

nothing else 

fills. 

C. Bukowski

Wherever

And you know what? 

Wherever you are: remember that I am not thinking about you!

Nothing Else

Freedom to believe 

in whatever you believe.

Freedom to go 

wherever you want to go.

Freedom to speak out loud.

Freedom to love whom you love.

Freedom to work

and study

and decide what to do with your life.

Freedom.

Nothing else matters.

Actually

Where people see darkness,

I see colours.

When people think

 I gave up,

I'm actually

 just beginning.