Stop

And then you wake up

and the newspapers show the same bloody photographs

like yesterday

and the day before 

and the day before.

And then you dress up for work

and you do the same senseless things

like yesterday

and the day before 

and the day before.

And then you talk to people

and they complain and babble

about the photographs in the newspapers

and the weather

and the neighbour

and the traffic jam

and their new diet

and whatever bullshit they remember

to kill the silence between

us useless humans

who don't remember what really matters

and just run around wasting

wasting time and energy

running to achieve goals

we don't even remember

for no reason at all.

And then you wish

you would stop waking up.  

Companions

This one reminds me of the day I fell off the stairs and my knee started bleeding and I cried and sobbed in my mom's arms. Our house smelled of chocolate pudding.

The other one reminds me of my job as counter-hand in Brisbane, where I had to use the slicer to slice some onions for the delicious focaccias we sold in the deli store. I cut my forefinger and Melissa, the manager, made a fuzz. My finger tasted of onions and iron.

These others remind me of the razor blade that I used to cut in my arms and see the blood run down my hands to relieve the pain I felt and did not understand.  My bed room was yellow and green and smelled of weed.

These scars I like best. 

Zmeks | via Tumblr

People

This world could be so wonderful

if there were no people.

Go Sleep

And sometimes life hits you hard and reminds you of this fucking disease you carry in your stupid body and you feel like sleeping.

Just

Once the doctor said

I would never ever

be able to run a marathon

I suddenly felt like
running a marathon. 

Screaming Silence

And when you become silent

I will miss your yelling. 

Close the door behind you

I could just leave
walk away
and never look back.
Our story would be like
one of those dreams
you wake up
and can't remember much.

What is ist what is it what is it

What is crazier,

the world itself,

or the ones trying to understand it?

What is ist?

What?

Hm?

View

Look at me

I'm dissolving right in front of you

your yelling makes my skin peel off.

Look at me

I'm in pain 

bleeding tears.

Look at me

I'm trying to understand

what I have done wrong.

Look at me

I'm the one you claim to love

I'm the one

standing here 

dying slowly

looking at you. 

You make me feel

i've missed you.

i've missed the way you hug me

the way you taste in my mouth.

i've missed looking at you

knowing that you have been waiting

for me to get you

i've missed getting wet

and riding on you

as if there was no tomorrow

i've missed the way i feel afterwards

exhausted

dripping

breathless

cold feet on warm sand

i look at the horizon

waiting for you

the perfect wave

Sense Less Sense

I hate you because I love you.

How could you? How?

I saw it.

It made my whole body shake.

Like an earthquake

a storm in my head

and a landslide in my heart.

I couldn't breathe

I couldn't think

I couldn't believe it.

How could you? How?

I saw it.

Breaks

Running in circles

throwing stones on mirrors

hating to love you

crying to be understood

I drift off to a neverending dreamless sleep. 

Set me free

So you said you felt sorry for me

you worried I would be lost without you

I wouldn't know how to manage my life

I wouldn't have enough money

I would be desperate

and feel weak and ugly and helpless.

And all the time

I just needed you to set me free

to finally live my life in peace.

It's a pity you were too weak.

Rapunzel

She is not in a fairy tale

she is standing right in front of me

her beautiful dark hair entangling her whole tiny body.

Her smile seems to embrace the earth.

She smells of wisdom and curiosity at the same time. 

The way she moves makes the ground feel soft. 

Her heartbeat. So strong.

Her big eyes glow

showing the fire

deep inside her soul.

Her soul. So strong.

She is not stuck in a tower

she is free to chose

where to go.

Her will. So strong.

She is not in a fairy tale

she knows the world and it's evils.

Her eyes tell me

she knows what to do. 

Earthquake

Every once in a while

your life shakes

like an earthquake.

Facts you were certain of

suddenly are wrong

and things you never believed

prove to be true in front of your eyes.

So you stand there

looking at the debris

and you wonder

how to start cleaning up.

Melting

My whole 

Body aching

after 

Sleepless nights

I stagger through my 

Sloppy flat

searching for

Anything edible.

When I hear your 

Fitful cry

I sigh

and take you in my arms

and you smile.

This pure little innocent smile

that only babies, 

only you...

make my heart melt.

With my molten heart I 

hold you tight

and my sleep

and my hunger

and my pain

are gone.

Same Same But Different

And you keep on waking up

encountering the same dull world

the same boring people

the same malice all around.

And you wish so hard something would change

change for better

change for worse

just not stay the same.

As the same

you can't stand anymore.

Cruise Ship

The cruise ship was huge and full of amazing things to do. She loved the parties they organised and spent hours dancing in the club on board. During the day she enjoyed the pools, sunbathing on deck and day dreaming. Cocktails, massages, yummy food were right there for her. She really liked it. She knew the schedule of all events on board by heart. She knew when and where who would be doing what and it started to bore her stiff. She looked at the horizon. This endless ocean reflecting the sunlight was intriguing. What was outside there? What was beyond the horizon? One day she was slandering on deck looking to the horizon once again. Suddenly she saw it: a boat! A green boat with some young people in it. They seemed to have so much fun!She couldn't help it. She jumped.

Moodle?

I would

smash your stupid face on the desk

and I would make you swallow this bullshit you expect me to write

and I would laugh while you were choking on this questions you've written

for me to answer with even more senseless bullshit full of your favourite words

you've ben babbling about while you felt so fucking superior to all of us

talking about things that don't matter at all

and just keep on feeding this great horrible system of senseless bullshit.

Baby Fart

Stop everything!

It has farted!

Oooooohhhhh how cute and blablablablablablablablabla

4 adults surrounding a helpless little child who doesn't know what to think about so much attention. 

It drinks milk.

Stop everything!

It's drinking milk!

Oooooohhhhh how cute and blablablablablablablablabla. 

Look at it! Isn't it adorable? How it drinks milk? 

The baby burps.

Stop everything!

It has burped! Did you hear that? It really burped! 
See how healthy and happy it is! How cute and blablablablablablablablabla.

And this sweet little child is covered with love and affection and attention and people speaking like retards looking at it making it feel like the center of the universe wondering what a strange world this is it has been brought to.

Puddle

Listening to cheerful music

I sit down and watch the tears form a little puddle on the floor.

Having tears left is a good thing.

Haunted

And those things 

that changed your life for no reason

 those things 

that don't have any explanation...

they'll haunt you forever. 

Skyfall

The sky falls

and the earth arises

water splashes all around

and burns down in a huge wave of fire

for this is the end

of a world

that never deserved to exist.

The sky falls 

and you finally realise

you are nothing

not even a grain of dust swirling through the wet fire

and breathing dry earth 

you wait

while the sky falls down. 

Finally end has come.

Blues

And once you've cleaned the mess

and swept away the ashes

you look up and see the sky 

high above you shining its bluest blue

waiting for you to be ready.

Pudding

I wish you were here

so I could break your skull

and watch your brain pour out

thick and slowly

flowing on your shoulders

like pudding. 

Enough

And all this anger

has no place to go

and all this wrath 

growing inside me

so much energy

piling up

pulsing in my veins

making every move hurt

as if I would be torn into pieces

by my own hatred 

that grows constantly

and spreads its evil

like horrible poison.

I see nothing but evil everywhere

and its your fault

and her fault

and everyones fault

and if I had power

this world

would be

shattered

and only black 

stinky

rotten

dust

would be left.

Off

And slowly

everything loses its colour.

And the music stops

and nobody moves anymore

and they turn the lights off

and nothing is left. 

Walk Away

Stupid
Stupid
Stupid

they make you dance
and you're afraid of standing still
they make you sing
and you're afraid of remaining silent
they make you smile
and you're afraid of 

what?
What are you afraid of? 
Why don't you send them to hell?
Why don't you just walk away?
What are you standing there
dancing
singing 
and smiling 
like a bloody idiot?


Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
you are. 

For Good

Carrying a heavy smile on my face

I swim in this enormous lake of sorrow

trying to reach the moon

that is shining upon my cursed soul.

The sun has long stopped shining

and the water is getting cold

while the weight of my darkness

is pulling me down. 

My legs will get slower

as will my heart beat

and I will let go

for good.

Promise

Yes. I'm making fun of you.

Yes, I enjoy watching your cries for help.

No, I don't care. Why would I?

Just stay put. It'll be over very soon.
I promise.

Kiss Me

We enter the stage

and the plot says we should be kissing passionate

but we suddenly start punching each other

and kicking each other to the ground

and scratching and strangling and slapping and

hurting each other and

blood spreads on the floor

and we slip

and hit our heads

and we die together in a huge puddle of blood

and nobody knows why.

Foresee

I'm not afraid.

It's more than that.

I predict a very black future,

where I run and run and run and still never reach the right place.

I predict pain and misery.

I predict loneliness.

I can see the hole

I'll be buried in alive.

I see the sand that will surround me.  

I see the brightest darkness and I wonder

what to do to avoid it.

 

And wondering I sit here

looking at your beautiful eyes

your friendly smile

and remain silent,

as it is too hard to explain.

 

Shadow Soul

There is this cute little girl

with her honey-brown eyes sitting on the floor.

She loves drawing things:

birds, houses, people,

stars and clouds-

Everything she draws is black.

There is no pink, no blue, no green.

She was born with a shadow in her soul. 

Dance for Life

So you dance

and dance

and turn the music louder

so you won't hear the clock ticking

and you stamp your feet on the ground

as if you could make the earth

stop spinning.

And you sing

and laugh

and drink

and jump around

as if time hadn't gone by.

And your eyes carry this heavy eyeliner

which is framing your tired little red eyes

and the make-up is piling up in your little wrinkles

and your feet hurt so much from the high heels

and you know

but won't ever admit

you're getting old.

Fool

Tell me,

what have you done?

What good is it?

Anything to be proud of? 

Or just a sequence of meaningless days?

Just watching life pass? 

Watching discovery channel, 

drinking coffee from a Starbucks mug and

waiting for life to be over?

Tell me, 

don't you hear the clock ticking?

Don't you see it's time to wake up?

Don't you see you're a fool?

One and Only

So when you face death

you kneel down and swear everything

and promise to change

and you regret

and you beg for one more chance

and you feel like if you get the chance

you'd do everything differently.

And once you got the chance

you simply forget.

That's why death usually doesn't give second chances.

Bitch

You are not the one

you are the other one.

The one who waits for hours 

for him to answer your message.

The one who can't make plans,

'cause you're always plan B.

The one who must always look pretty and happy,

otherwise he won't meet you anymore.

You are the one who must make him happy, 

who must do all these things the first one doesn't.

You must be patient and charming 

and always wax your pussy 

and smell like sin

just to wait for him.

In the meanwhile you're the one

who is slowly losing

parts of your soul

parts of your will

parts of your self-respect

being the bitch

your own personal bitch

screwing yourself. 

Weltschmerz

Weltschmerz?

Die Welt schmerzt!

Mir schmerzt die Welt auch...

Die Welt in mir schmerzt.

Ich schmerze der Welt.
Schmerzt deine Welt?

Diamond

I wake up

next to a diamond

beautifully sparkling in the morning light

thousands of facets shining in every colour

filling my bedroom with warm light

making me feel so save 

and so lucky.

I wake up

next to a diamond. 

I rub my eyes and 

see him.

The one who has been by my side

even when I didn't deserve it.

The one who has never given me up 

even when I had given up myself.

The one who is 

indestructible

and the most precious 

thing on this planet.

The only diamond I desire.

Farewell

Who are you?

I've got so many pictures of you. 

So many letters

and notes

but I look at you and wonder

who you are.

You smell different than you used to.

You're wearing these clothes I don't like.

Your eyes don't have the same colour.

Your smile doesn't have the same taste.

Touching you feels wrong.

Your voice got hard.

I wish you'd leave.

Who are you?

I've got so many memories of you. 

So many shared moments

nice ones and sad ones

now I look at you and wonder

who you are.

Please leave.

Stupid

Getting old and sick tic

and weaker every day tac

 fighting this helpless fight tic 

against this horrible clock tac

tic

tac

tic tac tactactactactac!!!

And nothing will change tic

pace of time tac

destroying every cell of your body tic

wrinkling tac

aching tic 

weakening tac

everything tic.

Making you feel so stupid for even waking up every day.
Tac. 

Elements

Give me fire to burn

water to drown

air to fly away

or earth to bury myself.

Just do something!

No Way

I won't 

have needles in my life.

I won't.

Don't you dare pierce my skin

with this bloody syringe.

Bills

And then you start wondering what you did to deserve this

and you think you might have been a worse person than you thought

and you wonder if you could have done something

and you'll never know the answer

in the meanwhile you try not to give up

while you're more and more giving up.

Swallow

Emptiness 

swallowing you up

as if you were a gulp of water.

Disappointment

pushing you down

as if you were a worm.

Indifference

spreading in you

as if it were cancer.

Dissolving would feel good. 

Maicon - The day I met humbleness

Once again I was walking my dog around the corner and once again I met someone who made me think about how lucky I actually am. So, there I was, walking down a street called Uruguai, which is the name of a mighty river in southern Brazil. I say mighty, because I am from Europe, where we praise the Danube as biggest river. Poor people, have never been to Brazil. Everything here is just more, bigger, louder, harder, hotter, -er. I mean, I am surrounded by superlatives! 

Anyway, walking down the street I pass that house that has been on sale for years. Right next to it they're building a new building, 9 stories high, which is exactly going to mess with the view of my bedroom window. Well... I'm walking there and I see a young boy. He's carrying a bag with a couple of cans. He smiles at me and I wait for him to beg for money. That's what they usually do. The look at you and smile. And then they have a very special way of asking for money,  as if it was your fault that you have a job and a house and they don't. 

He politely says "Good evening".  I nod and smile. And wait. He: "I know it is extremely unpleasant to have strange people asking for things. But could you give me one minute of your attention?" The well chosen words and his nice voice actually really do call my attention. I nod again. He goes on: "Tomorrow is a Holiday. I usually collect enough cans to get some money to buy food. But as there is this Holiday, everyone went to the beach. So I haven't found enough cans. That here (he shows me the bag) is all I got. This yellow house here is where Dona Vera lives. She is a teacher and I help here with her huge garden . But she is travelling, there is nobody home. She has beautiful flowers, I hope she watered them before she went to the beach...I go to school in the evenings and it is really hard to concentrate when you're hungry, you know. So I was wondering if you could be so kind to maybe buy a sandwich for me?"

I feel he's being honest. He looks at me, with his humble eyes and I wonder how hard it must be to depend on someone on the street to get a sandwich. How bad I'd feel to ask strangers for food. I would probably starve to death due to my ridiculous pride. I go to that shop at the corner every single day and just buy whatever I want. He passes the same shop and can't even buy an apple. 

We start chatting and I ask him about his family. Apparently he's got 5 younger siblings and his mom works the whole day. I picture this family living in a wooden house, full of hungry children running around. Do they even have beds?  "Come with me", I say. I go to the corner's shop. I buy food for one week. Three huge bags. He is so skinny and looks so fragile, I'm not sure he'll manage to carry all this. When he sees the bags his smile is a smile of relief. A smile of "I asked the right person for help", or something like that. I ask him: "Can you even carry this home?" "Of course I can! Thank you so much! You've saved my day! My family will be so happy to have all this! Thank you." 

I nod and say goodbye. He walks down the street. A neighbour from another house, who apparently knows him, smiles. I see them talking, I see Maicon showing the full bags of food, as if he had won a Mercedes. It was just rice and beans...

Greys

I listen to that song

and suddenly I'm 15 again.

Suddenly the only thing that matters is 

if he'll kiss me or not.

Suddenly ditching school

and smoking a cigarette feels like being a criminal.

Suddenly I'm 15 again

and there is only black or white

love or hatred

always or never

everything or nothing!

I'm 15 and don't know yet,

life actually is a never ending sequence of greys.

God, I miss black and white! 

Blue Submarine

It feels like the outside world gets further and further away

while you bury yourself deep inside your shell.

The noises get dull and the colours and shapes blurry.

As if you were under water,

in a blue submarine,

 drifting away from everything.

You feel like shutting down

while the others talk to you and smile

and ask things and you just nod or shake your head

and you wish

you wish so hard 

they'd go away

and let you be

and let you bury yourself in your shell.

And let you sink.

Passing By

When there is more behind you

than ahead of you

you start wondering.

His Choice

Lust isn't part of his life

as he chose the other way.

He chose to be "normal"

and to satisfy whomever wouldn't like the truth. 

There he is standing in front of us

talking and moving smoothly

like a pink little butterfly smelling on a blooming flower.

But he's got this strong voice

and men clothes on 

and pictures of his wife on his desk. 

His wife who gave him the child

he loves so much. 

His wife, 

who is a woman.

I wonder if she knows

he dreams of men.

Smile

This smile in your face

is so painful.

Your lips

they are heavy

so heavy.

Don't

And you worry so much

and they say you don't.

And you care so much

and they say you don't.

And you just give up
trying to convince them.
And you just keep on 
worrying and 
caring
alone.

Happy

Your heart is burning in pain

nobody sees it

as your perfect smile is covering it.

Your body hurts from the slaps life gave you

but nobody sees it

as your well-chosen outfit  is so flashy.

Your dying from the inside

nobody sees it

as you are perfect in looking so happy.

Nothing

And you run

and run

and run

and it's not enough.

It never is enough.

You're never good enough

smart enough

nice enough.

And you,

stupid little thing,

keep on running

for nothing.

Please

Bury me

please bury me.

The sunshine hurts.

I can't stand the birds

chirping in my ears anymore.

My blood is frozen

my heart has died

for the pain was too much.

All colours got black

I don't see the light anymore.

Bury me

please bury me

make it stop.

Mafalda

Her hips shake in the pace of her heartbeat,

which you can actually hear,

as her heart is huge.

 

She manages somehow to look evil,

with the black hair and the devil on her fingers,

but when you come close

she embraces you

and her smile makes metal melt

into sweet honey.

 

She knows about sweetness

and she knows about gentleness.

But don't you dare step on her foot.

She'll rip it off.

Choir Boy

When he speaks

it sounds like he is singing.

His melodic accent makes everything he says

sound so much nicer than it actually is.

His friendly eyes have the same green

as the hills of his hometown

and his lips

even on serious days

carry a slight smile in the corners.

He knows evil exists in this world,

but he has never understood it.

He might be

the one

good

pure

soul

on this planet. 

Cycle

I used to be the youngest generation. 

Now I'm moving up the ladder.

It feels weird.

Living Death

Do you have children?
Yes. I got two daughters.
(She won't speak about her son.)

What do they do?
One lives abroad, in London. The other one, Beth, works in a library.
(She won't tell you, that her son was an engineer)

You say nice and sip on your coffee.

She sits there feeling the pressure on her chest.
Remembering the day her life stopped.
Remembering the day the phone rang.
Remembering the day her daughter came home and said
the worst had happened.

The worst a mother can go through.
Burying a child.
And she'll never know why.
Never know the reason
why he decided that
being dead
would be better
than being alive.

Heat

It's a special kind of heat

boiling and boiling inside me

pressuring blood

through every vein of my body

making my heart bump so strong

that every cell starts shaking in fear

of what will happen next. 

And when darkness is finally gone

I only see blood.